Last Updated on April 20, 2020
This post is written by the first guest author of this blog, Vivien. She is publishing InspirationBit, a blog about inspiration, life and resources that awaken our creativity.
First of all, I’d like to thank Simonne for giving me this great opportunity to write about children, family. I have a two year old daughter and I often wish I knew a bit more about parenting before I stepped into it, and that is why I’ve decided to write on this topic. Today is Mother’s Day in North America. I’m not sure if it is celebrated today in some other countries as well. But I’d like to congratulate every mom who’s reading this post and wish her a Happy Mother’s Day.
Sometimes I think I was re-born as a new person ever since my daughter was born. I certainly discovered some new qualities I never thought I had in me before. I’ve also learned a lot about parenting and life in general. I’d like to go over some of the misconceptions that most people have about parenting. Hopefully, both parents and non-parents will benefit from reading this.
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Fear of becoming a parent.
Myth: We have no skills, no clues on how to raise a child, we’re not emotionally ready yet, not mature enough to become a parent.
Truth: I personally had my share of those fears: I had no idea on how to feed or change baby, how to take care of all her needs. Guess what – I learned it all, along with my husband, through trials and errors. Every parent has to go through a steep learning curve, but everyone eventually becomes a professional in this field. -
Not Ready Financially
Myth: We must postpone having children until we are more financially stable.
Truth: Sometimes things can go from bad to worse, you may lose your job, go bankrupt, or get into some kind of other financial troubles. I myself had a well-paid full time job, then it was cut to a part-time job, and after sometime I’ve made up my mind that I should stop my wishful thinking and decided it’s time for me and my husband to have a baby. I eventually got laid off while being pregnant and had to resort to an early maternity leave. Guess what? Despite everything we managed to raise our child, and I was even able to go back to work while my daughter was still a baby, and build a better career than I had before we started the family. I owe this to my child for motivating me to build a better life for ourselves and for making me a stronger person and a better multitasker. -
Parenthood is Torture
Myth: Children will change our lives, take away our freedom and torture to death with their constant cries and demands.
Truth: Yes, our lives will be changed. But for every painstakingly difficult moment there will be ten happy memorable moments filled with joy and laughter. Children are the ones who make our lives meaningful, turn us into responsible adults, and make us want to be a better person. -
Rushing into Parenthood
Myth: It’s best to start a family as soon as we get married or together under one roof.
Truth: Just like it’s not a good idea to postpone your venture into parenthood for a very long time, it’s even a worse idea to have children when the couple doesn’t really know each other that well.
Parenthood will challenge your relationship, ending it with a divorce.
Divorce on its own is not a nice thing to go through for adults, but it is much worse when the children are at stake. My advice – get to know each other well enough before having children to be able to painlessly go through some fire together. -
Experienced Parents
Myth: Oh, we’ve read so many books and articles on parenting, attended the seminars, that we know it all and are ready for everything
Truth: In reality every parenting experience is different, and your self-esteem may get crashed very soon for not being able to implement the advice-from-the-book in the actual case. -
Listen and Follow Others
Myth: We should always listen to our parents when it comes to raising out children.
Truth: During the first month after my daughter was born, we were receiving tens of advices and suggestions about parenting – every day. We were drowning. After trying to implement some of them, I came to a conclusion that nobody has the right answer to address all the issues. Every child, every case is different and deserves an individual attention. -
Parenthood shatters the couple’s relationship
Myth: We will never have that magic feeling we had before.
Truth: It all depends on how did you become a parent. If you rushed and you didn’t have enough of pre-children time together, as mentioned in myth #4, then having children might wreck your life as a couple. However if you were ready to sacrifice your old childless life for a new complete one, despite of lack of sleep, lack of free time spent together, if you’re always ready to support each other and take care of
your child together, then nothing and no one will ever wreck your marriage (union). -
Parenthood is thankless
Myth: We give everything to our children, and what do we get back – nothing but requests to give more.
Truth: It’s true that we do so much for our children but what we get back from them is far more precious than any tangible thing in the world. We get their unconditional love and trust, their smiles and laughs charge us with the powerful energy, they motivate and inspire us to excel in everything we do. Before I became a mother I was often questioning myself what’s the meaning of life. Now I know the answer – it’s to give life to another human being and do everything in your power to build a happy life and the bright future for the new little human we call our child.
What other parenting myths you’d like to debunk or to find the truth about?
Thank you so much, Simonne, for the honour of being the first guest author on your great blog. And thanks for that amazing picture you chose to go along with the post.
I thank you for writing such a great article. As of the picture, I love children’s hands and feet; they are so nice! I would watch them for hours and still not get enough.
Great stuff Vivien. Kids are the coolest.
The biggest thing I’ve learned about parenting is that you grow as they grow — you learn as they learn. Like you mentioned in several of your points, you don’t need to have all the answers to be a good parent. It’s a position that’s surprisingly easy to grow into. Once you get past that first week or two, it’s pretty much smooth sailing and you’re on your way to being a professional parent.
Simmon’s Parenting Article May 16 2007
I will attempt to offer a different perspective which will be for better and for worse. You see we are not parents. I checked. Having English Labrador Retrievers and treating them like children does not technically qualify me or my wife. It is a necessary disclaimer.
It is not foolish to give concern to the unknown. This subject also does not follow regular protocols in some critical ways which is worth noting in spite of our immediate and often overwhelming emotions. We learn from what we are told, read, what we reason, what we observe and through processing direct personal experiences. I see in this article very pragmatic suggestions that address a series of very serious yet basic questions: “Should we?” “When?” “How do we know what to do?” and “Where does that assuring, specialized knowledge reside?” When taken one by one as the author has done here in addressing common myths, they are no longer as overwhelming (now remember I am childless, so I can stray over the line into being presumptuous very easily). It is still a momentous decision. I have at least had to consider the decision so I can empathize with the thoughts and emotions of those who are now in this situation. It appears to unite us in the human experience regardless of time or culture or nationality and today, even the gender of the couples.
But if we look around us, despite few parents doing the perfect job all of the time, it is clear we have statistically endured it all and have grown up with personal problems sufficiently resolved to entertain taking on one of life’s biggest responsibilities ourselves. Even in the worst case scenarios I have seen when parents could not uphold their good intentions and could not parent their children, those children did not all end up in prisons or psychologically incapacitated. It is not about money either. Freud and and his mentor did not make their living treating the poor but rather the mostly wealthy wives of the upper classes.
It is true that there is also evidence of shattered lives in societies where the family did not function, did not provide protection to children or even food clothing or shelter. That is incontestable unless Panglossian platitudes has been swallowed whole. Nonetheless, I have seen the resilience of some children in the very worst circumstances not only survive their ordeals but go on to have happy, productive lives. How is this possible, even as the exception to the rule? Well, perhaps we can be parents without wealth, experience parenting and still frightened by the prospect, make occasional mistakes and oversights and still see everything turn out fine. Few parents will contend with the life circumstances I described where they stop functioning as parents altogether. Do not misinterpret this as a lack of compassion for the many lost children in every society who will not be loved, mentored, fed or tucked into bed. This is a tragedy and unequally distributed on most societies. Perhaps adoption will be considered as an alternative for some of those prospective parents with the most compassion. But arguing in the extreme was used to make a point. The point still stands.
Did your parents make any mistakes or fail to meet all of your expectations? I suspect that they may have but that it is still alright. Did you still turn out OK? One of you was the disgraced felon and CEO of ENRON, but I mean all of the others who did not allegedly rob clients, even his own employees of their savings. As for all the flawed elected officials that make your blood pressure rise, they are actually our own fault for electing them to positions where they could so spectacularly fail. Some people end up like that even with good parents. Business and government also have ethical and moral individuals whether their parents deserved the credit or not. It is too complex to worry about.
Well, now also consider this happy affirmation: someone married you, hired you and you have friends plus cable TV. (Forgive me, it was getting too serious). Now consider your friends and coworkers? Has society fallen apart? Our fears can be put to rest by acknowledging ourselves and those around us as being overwhelmingly capable of managing to socially function despite having had parents who, by probability were likely all frightened or at least apprehensive and sincere but were all initially bonafide “amateurs” as parents.
Now consider the position of so many children who not only owe their very existence, their opportunity to experience life itself because the decision was yes. Some of whom have had long, deeply loving relationships with their children. It is a symbiotic relationship of intense emotional personal experiences that do not have easy to find substitutions. There is nothing in life that offers certainty or guarantees. Why should parenthood be different? All of us, on a sliding scale if you must judge, are evidence that parenting can be done sufficiently well without already having done it before or knowing everything there is about an unknowable future with unborn unique personalities that will comprise your family. It works out again and again. Resilience, compassion, wisdom, understanding and forgiveness – maybe luck – but the odds are apparently on your side. The proof is reflective and empirical. This thoughtful article to which I pay tribute helps you decide based upon reason.
Addendum: My eldest, Bob, did go through a period of stealing food on the table without disturbing a dish and also turning off my answering machine daily but he still turned out well. It was just a stage. At 90 pounds it was a miracle considering his otherwise lack of coordination. He never did stop honking the car horn using just his muzzle if left alone in the car. I do not know where I went wrong or right. It still makes me laugh. We were not the birth parents.